Recently I have been allowing myself more blank time and space. I’ve been a little unclear with myself as to the why, and as a result, have been slightly conflicted about this space.
I wasn’t fully aware of the conflict within me until I started noticing my heightened level of anxiety and self-criticism despite having more down time. I would find myself in a pattern of enjoying some time to myself – a longer run, an evening in, an hour during the day spent reading, a restorative nap during the day and sometime later I would look at my results for a day or week and start criticizing myself for where I am with my projects.
Shoulds would appear when I looked at my to do list. Envy would pop up as I listened to podcasts or looked through instagram or LinkedIn. I noticed myself rushing throughout my day even though I was enjoying those moments of unstructured time. What was going on? Why did I still feel rushed?
It wasn’t automatic, but after a couple days of noticing the feelings I decided to get curious and journal about it. That helped to bring forward my expectations – that part of me wants to see results from this space. I wanted to know, was it working? I was willing to allow myself more blank time but still expected results. I hadn’t thought about needing to potentially sacrifice or delay results. Or maybe even shift how I think about the time I allocate to myself. As I looked deeper at my perceived choice I could see fear (always a good place to delve deeper).
From looking deeper into my fear I realized that this conflict in me runs deep to a core belief. It’s not just about allowing myself some unproductive time now or then (which of course sounds harmless and healthy) there was something being triggered in me in the slippery slope scenario of this rest going too far. What if I became too self-indulgent in allowing blank space? What if I decided I don’t want to go back to work? That would mean that my life as I know it is over. No more achievement would mean, I’m a lowlife, I’m worthless.
And with that, I was able to see the core belief I’ve been running from. The belief I’ve been working, grinding, achieving, to prove impossible. I realized the truth – that a part of my work has been about proving: I am smart, I am talented, I’m industrious. Basically, all forms of I’m worthy of love.
There it was, buried in this little experiment with myself was the insight or personal breakthrough I was subconsciously hoping to generate. It was actually all about self-love and reconditioning my source of motivation. I no longer need to work for achievement i.e. to prove my worth. Now when I notice similar emotions appearing I’ve been focusing on reinforcing new beliefs: I deserve leisure not because I earned it but because I’m human, I deserve meaningful work, not because I earned it or I’m special but because I’m human.
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